When to say NO

How do you know when to say no?

Knowing when to say no is a crucial step in the self-care process. In my early adult years, I had become something of a people pleaser. I was (am) an extroverted introvert who loves being friends with everyone. As I got older, I quickly learned that you cannot please everyone, no matter how hard you try, and it’s not your fault for this. You can’t be everyone’s friend, and not everyone will be a fan of yours, and that’s okay.

People pleasing isn’t always healthy

Being a people pleaser means that it can be extremely difficult to tell a friend that you don’t want to go somewhere with them or you’re not feeling up to it when being invited to do something. You want to make them happy, but if you listen to the little voice inside telling you “this probably won’t fulfill you/make you happy/etc.”, then you need to do what is best for you. If you end up saying ‘yes’ just because you’d feel guilty if you declined, then you may be less likely to enjoy the time spent with that individual, because you didn’t listen to your own inner voice telling you that you would rather not go. What if we’re not used to listening to our inner voice? How can we know if we would be better off staying home, or not doing the thing we’ve been invited to do?

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Fatigue & burnout

You may have lots going on in your personal life, draining you of any excess energy you might have for additional social events you didn’t already plan for in your week. Maybe you did have plans to get drinks with a friend, but an hour before you’re supposed to be heading out, you’re starting to feel exhausted. These are signs that you should communicate with your friend that you will need to reschedule or cancel. Your friends will understand! More than likely, they have their own things happening in their lives that are causing them some type of exhaustion or stress and they might be more than happy to pick another time. The key is to be open about how you are feeling and be communicative with your friends about what your needs are. Maybe your burnout is happening at work- your boss sees that you have some more bandwidth and decides to take advantage by assigning you several new projects. You should feel empowered in the workplace to be able to decline extra assignments if you are already feeling like you are at capacity. Your manager should be willing to work with you and make adjustments accordingly. If they aren’t, that could be a sign that it might be time to move on to a new role.

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Social anxiety

If you’re anything like me, you may have a certain amount of social anxiety that sometimes gets in the way of allowing you to really feel 100% relaxed in any given social situation. You might be fidgety with your hair because you don’t like the way it’s laying, or your clothes aren’t fitting the way you want them to, so you are constantly adjusting and readjusting to try to get comfortable. Maybe you have to keep checking in with your significant other because you are second guessing something that you said and are worried that it came across the wrong way. This kind of anxiety can be harrowing, especially if you live with it on a daily basis. Know that it is okay to remove yourself from a social situation where you are feeling uncomfortable – temporarily or permanently. You may not know exactly what’s going on with your emotions at the time, but if you’re feeling like something is wrong and you don’t feel safe, those are your cues to leave. Take a walk outside for some fresh air if you are indoors, and if you think it will help, ask someone you trust to come with you so you can express your feelings, if you choose.

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Gut instinct

Your gut, or your instinct, is your best friend. Listen to it when it tries to tell you that something is off. If you are on a date and things just don’t feel right, let your date know that you need to head home. If you need help getting out of an uncomfortable date, excuse yourself to a restroom and make a call to a friend to come pick you up, if needed. Maybe you have been in a long term relationship and you have had a persistent negative feeling in the pit of your stomach for more than just a few days, and you’ve been ignoring addressing it because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. Ignoring that feeling will only make things harder for you if you wait – listen to your gut, address that feeling now. Your instinct will be your strongest advocate when it comes to saying ‘no’.

You have the power to say no.

Hopefully, this article has helped reassure you that it is okay to say no when you need to, and has given you strength to walk away from things that are no longer serving you. How has saying ‘no’ helped you thrive?